Moving Forward

2014 has been the loneliest year for me. There doesn't seem to be anyone around that I could remotely date. There is no one close to my age that's single, or even interested in me.

I don't understand how all these people can jump from relationship to relationship to relationship with little or no down time in between. If I hear that someone that I barely like broke up with their boyfriend, they are already dating someone by the next time I see them. I just don't get it. Yet when it comes to me, there is no one out there.

ABWH, and the Aftermath

I have made it quite clear to anyone who has read my stuff, that to me the ABWH album (Side 1, Side 2) was synonymous with a great failed relationship I had. I can't think of one without the other. They will forever be intertwined.

Occasionally, I learn a factoid or two about that album and it seems to still coincide with the real life that I was living. Other times I find a little nugget that brightens my day.

For instance, I never knew that part of "Quartet" (the I'm Alive part) was actually edited down for a single and actually had a video. It was given a second verse and a different ending. How I missed this at the time I will never know.

Even more exciting was that there were OTHER SONGS that were left off the album! One of the was called Vultures, which came from a Steve Howe demo called "Rare Birds". How it didn't make the album and Teakbois did is beyond me.

In 2011 they came out with a deluxe edition of ABWH that I gobbled up quickly. It had a bonus disk with these two songs and also a lot of radio edits and live performances. Typical stuff. But stuck in there at the very end was a hidden track called "Children of Light". It blew me away.

I knew this song from the Yes album Keys to Ascension 2 but didn't know it had originated from a song Jon/Vangelis wrote called "Distant Thunder" that was demoed for the ABWH sessions. Too cool.

But all in all, the most "devastating" information that I learned from all my research into this album, was that there was supposed to be another ABWH album that never came about. There was supposed to be more and then there wasn't. It was like somewhere in another Richard Bach universe things stayed wonderful, my relationship continued with an additional soundtrack, and the play that was my life had a second act. It's out there somewhere else I suppose, being lived out by someone who isn't me.

But that "dialogue" is for another day...

Monthly Review (September 2013)

The calendar has slipped into October and I barely noticed. September just kind of came and went without a lot of new activity from me (sorry). 

Here is a recap of my top ten posts from this past month.

Preconceived Relationship Outcomes

Parameters

I guess I have run up on the same thing a few times as relationships go. I've learned from the past not to label anything ahead of time because the simplest, most unsuspecting situations led me into one of the best relationships I ever had. If I had stopped it in its infancy I would have never known what was possible.

But then again, my problem has always been timing. I'm always the one right after a breakup or following a disastrous relationship. The thing I've run across often (and I know its from basic self defense from being hurt again) is that rules and limits and conditions are being placed upon me as I start a relationship with someone.

It's going to be A, B, and C but not D, E, or F.

G is not possible and we'll never end up X, Y or Z.

"Von, we're never going to be anything but friends" Well with that attitude, yeah, you're right. You've already limited what we could become.

Sometimes, you should just let things be.

Decreasing Limits

I have been through the wars too and have many battle scars of my own. If you put up walls and hit me with preconceived relationship outcomes, then I am going to shut my heart down. I have been hurt before too. Why waste emotions on someone that has already told me they wont be sending any emotions my way? That self defense goes both ways.

So in my head if I am only offered A, B and C, then that is all I am going to expect. D, E and F does not even become an option in my mind anymore.

The problems come when suddenly the other side feels D, E or F and I can't. I turned that off a long time ago because it was laid out to me that way and trying to be somewhat protective of myself I accepted those terms. And in the end, no matter what happens, I will look like the jerk or the bad guy. I have done nothing wrong, I played by their rules, but I will be the loser.

I can't win.

Increasing Limits

Now this particular scenario I have run into many times in my life. I meet someone and things are going great. We are just acting fun and free and having a blast with anything that comes our way. Nothing is wrong at all. Until...

Now the other person starts thinking too much and wants to change to definition of our relationship. And I don't mean like a relationship status change from "single" to "in a relationship". It's always like "I don't think we should do X, Y and Z anymore". Things are suddenly being taken away and whatever momentum we had is suddenly gone. There has been absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship to this point, but now the parameters have changed and it's not the same fun situation anymore. It's like instead of the relationship expanding and evolving, its contracting and devolving. That relationship is going to die. I have had more than one promising relationship destroyed because of this.

It's changing the butterfly back into the caterpillar.



No Limits

On the flip side (edge?) of that coin (and yes this is personal too) is that I have been told by someone that she knows she will end up with me. That it will be the whole alphabet, A through Z. I believe that she believes that too. The problem is (there's always a problem isn't there?) is that maybe I do not believe it. There's just no evidence there for me to judge anything on. I mean, so far there hasn't even been an "A", let alone the rest of the alphabet. And when I try, I am met with resistance. My heart is a little hopeful, but experience tells me it isn't going to happen.

I don't know what to make of this one.

What Men Really Want From Women

Now for those of you that actually know me away from this blog, I'm sure you are thinking that Von is going to post something silly or perverted here. Actually, no.

I have given this a lot of thought (usually on the train is where I find my Zen moments) and I realized I can sum up what men want from women in two movie scenes.

The Natural

Roy Hobbs: "Why did you stand up at the game that day?"

Iris Gaines: "Because I didn't want to see you fail."

No matter how bad life or work gets, no matter how many rollercoasters a man's life has been on, no matter how hard a man struggles, we always want a woman who will stand up in an unfriendly crowd and have our back and support us when things are their worst. All a man wants is a woman who believes in him.

Spiderman 2



Mary Jane Watson: "Isn't it about time someone saved your life?"

Do you think men always have it together? Not even close. We need "saving" as much as women do. We just won't admit it or we ignore and deny it. Sometimes we do not even know we need saving. But a woman who knows what you need and will offer to be that for you is a woman to be cherished. Men need women who can be a strength in their weakness

Mary Jane Watson: "Go get'm tiger."

Men want women who know them inside and out. Who know exactly who we are and accepting of it completely. They do not want to change us into something we are not. We do not want someone who says no. We want someone to know us and say yes, this is who you are. We want someone who understands that sometimes we have to do what we have to do.

Why I Don't Select You on Dating Websites (Pt 2)

After my first post about this topic, and the follow up discussions I have had with Kerra over at The Levels of Awkwardness and a few others, I had some additions to make about the things that make me avoid you on those dating websites.

Now first of all let me say I know I am no prize. I know what I look like and I am certainly not acting lofty over anyone when it comes to my opinions. I am honestly looking at things and asking myself why I skipped over a profile immediately, or what made me say no and move on. I think this could be helpful in some way to those who are looking for someone.

More Picture Issues

The first thing I addressed before was your picture. I had forgotten the most basic thing of all: there has got to be one! It is hard to believe in this day and age of cameras and cellphones that you do not have the ability to add a picture to your profile. Otherwise, men will think you are trying to hide something. I also see this as a half-assed attempt and that you are not really serious about meeting someone on the site.

Another problem I have with pictures is the group shot, especially if that is the only picture you uploaded. Which one is you? I have no idea, nor am I going to waste the time to find out. If it is one hot girl and one average girl, who do you think the guy is going to hope he is talking to? What do you think will happen when he finds out you are not the one he expected? Awkwardness.

Oh, those user names!

Now let's revisit your user name again. I have a few new words to add to my "avoid at all costs" list: "princess" and "diva". To me, this just screams CONCEITED! I do not need the drama of placing you upon a pedestal. I will put you there if you belong to be there, not because you force me.

Also, I have problems with nationalities, races or creeds. Now I know that this may just be me, but I feel that I am excluded from replying to you. This may be limiting your responses, especially if you are open to anyone.

And please do not combine this with one of the "no-no words". For example, I see a lot of these: "PuertoRicanDiva'" or "AfricanPrincess". I feel like I have no place even reading the profile and I'm afraid some group is going to show up and wonder why some white boy is messing with their women. No it doesn't make sense, but that's what goes through my head.

And one more thing: if I can't even decipher what your user name is without getting a headache, then I am going to pass. If I need an Enigma machine to decrypt it, this makes you appear overly complicated, and not in the right way.

Finally, the profile...

Ah, the profile. Wait, where is it? You mean nothing is filled out? You didn't even try so what makes you think anyone is going to put forth any effort to contact you. No matter how hot your pictures are, most men want some idea of what kind of person you might be (yeah, really).

To me, this is a game some conceited women play. Let me just make a fake name and add a hot pic so I can feel good about all the replies I get! Go away, you are just wasting my time. I'm not playing your game.

The last thing I want to talk about here is how some profiles are vague and non-specific. Tell me exactly what you like. "Watching TV" doesn't tell me anything. There is a big difference between your favorite show being Glee as opposed to Doctor Who! List your favorite authors. What do you own on DVD? Tell me a certain band or singer. No one likes ALL sports! No one likes to do "anything" outdoors. Be specific! Tell me about YOU! Ugh!

Okay, so that one fired me up a little bit. I just hate reading a profile and then realizing it would be better off blank because I didn't learn a single thing about that person.

So that's it for now. More to come I'm sure...

How Impatience Ruined the Best Relationship I Potentially Ever Had

This is a true story, and one I still feel the effects of from time to time. It's about young love and the stupid decisions you make because of a sense of urgency. I look back at it now and wonder how things would have been different if I just would have been patient.

Her name was Stephanie and I first met her waiting on the benches at West Clock waiting for my roommate to pick a few of us up. Being the clowns that we were, we were making all kinds of cracks and jokes about one of our other roommates that we didn't particularly care for. This quiet girl was just sitting listening to us go on and on about how we hated him and wished he would leave. Our nickname for him was Billy Blob and it got so bad that she eventually joined in on the conversation wondering why we disliked him so much. We explained he wasn't invited to stay with us, he was kind of forced upon us so we tried to avoid him at all costs.

Just a random conversation with a random girl. But sometimes that's how things work I guess.

Now, back in the "glory days" of Main Street USA and doing night PAC (Parade Audience Control), things were a lot different. When the end of the parade passed you by, you broke down your position and went straight to break. The quicker you got it down, the longer your break was and it lasted until the end of fireworks. Now what is called the Bistro today was called the Patio back then and it stayed open until 10:00, fireworks time. So if you hurried you could actually get a burger or something good to eat before having to go back out.

Imagine my surprise a week or so after the West Clock discussion, that I walk up to the window in the Patio to order food and come face to face with the same girl. "Hey, you're that guy from the other day!" she said. And because we worked basically the same schedule we began to see each other every night. I got to where I would look forward to that.

However back then, schedules and days off were not very consistent at Disney. It had been a week or so since I had seen her. And because I had never went out on a limb to get her number or anything, I had already chalked it up as "one of those things" that I get my hopes up a little bit for before reality wakes me up from the dream.

And then I saw her in the tunnel as I was walking up towards Cash Control. She saw me too and made a mad dash towards me and basically leapt on me throwing her arms around me. I was standing there holding her off the ground while in my head I was saying "holy crap, holy crap, HOLY CRAP!". She had wondered where I had disappeared to as well. We started dating after that.

It's hard to describe to non-Disney people what it's like to date someone when you work there. Everything is basically magical. There's always something to do or somewhere to go on your days off. Being young and being able to explore the parks for free is something else. You never have a dull time. Everything is a blast, especially for people falling in love.

Yeah, love. The more I learned about this girl, the more I adored her. It was something different altogether. You want to learn a lot about someone? Take them to a bookstore. We visited a mall on one of our off days (mostly to avoid the 98 degree heat) and then that's when I learned how deep she really was. She talked to me about books that are "must haves", books that she reads and tries to live by. Books about life and hope and possibilities and philosophy and truth. And she was smart too. Never had I had a relationship on such an intellectual level. We talked about ideas and creativity and nature and life and on and on and on. I shared with her my music. She gobbled up Yes because it was deep and complex and profound (she gets me!). She opened my eyes to the works of Richard Bach, such as "One" and "The Bridge Across Forever". She loved my Isaac Asimov books. We got the new cassette of Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe and fell in love together again and again listening to it over and over.

Unfortunately, summers come to an end.

She was a local, but I was only down to work on my summer break. I had two more years to go, but I would be down often. There was the six week winter break (LaGrange College combined their Thanksgiving/Christmas breaks into one) and every summer if we could just hold on and be patient. Well, we tried.

I made a bee-line for Florida as soon as finals were done. At the end of the six weeks, we decided we couldn't be without each other any more and she was coming back home with me. We even attempted to rush and get married at one point, which didn't work out. We left the land of magic for the real world, away from everything that made us special. We should have waited. We should have been patient. We didn't.

Car troubles prevented me from returning to Disney that summer. She asked if she could go home and I meet her there a few weeks later once everything was fixed. That should have been a sign. I never made it down. She didn't want to come back up. We tried to work things out long distance, but you know how that goes. It caused a rift between us. Time and distance are always a killer. I didn't even have the chance to come down over the holiday break that year. We had an argument over the phone and I slammed it down, hanging up on her. That was over 22 years ago and I haven't seen or heard from her since. I have no idea what became of her after that.

A year later, I graduate college and moved to Florida full time. I stayed single the whole time. I still think today that if I had been patient, that things would have worked out. There was never any doubt of me returning to Florida, but the rush-rush-rush of being young and having to do everything right now never entered my mind as a bad thing at the time. She would have been there waiting for me, with nothing to hold us back.

But now I only have memories of the one person I truly clicked with and how I messed it up. I'm 45 now. I have never been able to find her. Unfortunately, I've still never met anyone like her either. So if you ever see a copy of Richard Bach's One sitting on my desk, or wonder why I have a poster of Blue Desert (the album cover of Anderson Bruford Wakeman Howe) hanging in my bedroom, now you know why.

Dating Websites and Why I Don't Select You

Now this blog post evolved from a discussion I had with a friend about online dating. We shared some thought processes on what we look for in people's profiles and, as an aside, I started detailing things that immediately make me avoid certain profiles. She didn't know men (or at least I) felt that way about certain things and once they were explained it made a lot of sense to her, and hopefully, to you if you're out there looking.

Your Picture

Men are visual creatures. Everyone knows that, but what I'm going to say about profile pictures is probably not what you think. I prefer there to be at least more than one picture, and they should all show your face and hair style. I have seen too many that were cropped too tight and all you saw was face. To men, that screams one thing: you're fat, or at least you're trying to hide something. We should be able to interpolate an estimate of your body type. I am going to assume one thing if I see face only. And as you can see to the right there, it's kind of scary. Skip, on to the next one.  

I like to see at least from the neckline up. Cleavage is acceptable (duh), but if you're main picture is "hey, look at my tits" then you're only going to attract a certain type of person. If you show them to me in your profile it's just a short step to see them in person right? That's what I think. Or at least you will get a lot of requests for topless pics. Your fault for throwing them out there. If you keep it more modest (not a turtleneck!), once you're on an actual first date with someone of similar interests, you can "wow" him then. Trust me, it's a nice surprise when you meet someone and there's a whole lot more there physically than you thought.

Your picture should also not be a "glamour shot" of you at your very best, or of you making a fashion statement with a feathery hat or wild glasses. Being glamorous is fine, but I'm going to wonder what you look like normally and naturally day to day. And if I don't think you're all that attractive all gussied up, I will think you are even uglier in person. There's also a part of me that whispers "you cant afford to date this one" if you always wearing an evening gown. Pass. Wild fashion accessories might be cute for other women, but for me it just makes me think you are very flaky and possibly a handful with an overbearing personality. Pass again.

Your picture should be of only you. I love my kids too but I don't need to see them stuck to you in your profile. I don't want to see your dog or cat either. That all tells me you have other priorities and would have trouble fitting me in your schedule. You kissing on one of your girlfriends makes me think you are a party girl who really isn't interested in a relationship. Also, if your photo isn't from this century I won't be clicking on you either.

Your User Name

Okay I must admit that I am just flat turned off by some user names that women pick. I don't want you to tell me that you are "sexy". I want to determine that for myself. Same goes for "spicy", "tasty", "saucy", "hot", "amazing", "foxy" or "flirty". To me, that just screams that you have an attitude problem. I can see an argument ending with "Oh no he didn't! I'm sexy and I know it. He's just an asshole."

I will also avoid user names that include "bear" (fat), or some variation of "mother" (I will never be a priority). "Cuddly" implies emotionally needy. So if your handle is "cuddlybearmomof3" I will not only avoid clicking on you, I may even shut down my computer to get away.

Anyone whose name is a phrase like "Ucanthandleme", or "2much4u" is probably right. I see them as never being satisfied so why should I even try?

The Profile Itself

Now suppose I've made it to your profile which means your pics portray you as a normal attractive person and your user name didn't throw up any red flags. Sometimes I only make it one sentence in before I stop and move on. What did you do wrong? Well if I've come that far I want to know about YOU and the possibility that we could date and have a relationship. You destroy any precepts of that by saying...

Issue #1

Wrong: I have 2 kids and they are my life and universe, forever and always. They will always come first no matter what!

Reason: What it makes me think is you have no room for me in your life, and what little you could scrap together would never make me a priority. People a certain age and looking for companionship will most probably have kids. I have kids too. I love mine just as much as you do yours (maybe more) and will do anything for them as well. Everyone assumes parents love their kids. It's obvious, unnecessary and a little over the top to state it, let alone start your life summary with it. You shoving your children in my face tells me NOTHING about you (other than that you've reproduced), but it does suggest that you have very little free time to date. Now this may not be true, but you didn't present it that way.

Me: I have 2 kids from a previous marriage that I share custody with. When I'm not with them I like to...

Why it's better: I let you know I was previously married and have kids. Simple facts that you would want to know, then I tell you about ME. It also implies that I have time to actually date and have a relationship with someone.

Issue #2

Wrong: Must love dogs/cats!

Reason: Isn't this self explanatory? Really? I must? For that to even crop up in compatibility for dating shows that the other person has an unhealthy view of their pets. They are not people! What if I told you that I have two cats: Mr. Tabby Garfield Esquire III and Princess Fluffy Snowball Twinkletoes? You would think I was a complete nutjob with issues right? Or a closet homosexual...

Me: Grew up with animals so when my kids asked for a pet I got them each a kitten. One is sweet and one is psycho though.

Why it's better: I let you know I don't mind pets and even have a slight sense of humor about them and their personalities. I don't demand that you like them. I leave it open for you to tell me you have allergies, or Cujo flashbacks or whatever. But I certainly didn't rule out a date with you because they make you uneasy.

Issue #3

Wrong: I won't do this, and this, or that, or that either and definitely not that!

Reason: Ummm, I just started reading your profile and you proceeded to yell at me for the first three sentences. I don't really care if you have the missing half of the amulet I wear around my neck, I am certainly not reading any further. You sound angry and bitter. I know this is a reaction to certain people and messages from the website, but you can handle that discretely just by not replying and deleting and not making a public spectacle of it.

Me: I like to do this and this and some of that, but I'm not interested in any of x, y or z. Messages about x, y, or z will be ignored and deleted.

Why it's better: I still tell you about me and my likes. I make it quite clear what I don't care for and what the result will be if messaged about it. It makes me look like I have standards (shut up!) and some dignity.

Well that's it for now. This is an ever evolving project with many parts and I just wanted to get these thoughts down before it slipped away from me. Thanks for the read!

Feeding the Fire

I have this friend, and for now we'll just call her "Kerra", who had an unpleasant experience with a suitor who basically crossed the line into the psycho/stalker domain. We were having a conversation about it, and she said she knows I warned her about it several times, but continued to do things that I considered "red flags". This was even after they had a long talk about things and everything was sorted out. Just platonic, only friends, etc. Well it was obvious to everyone that he had it bad for her and no "talk" was going to quench that thirst. Especially when she wouldn't cut him off cold turkey and continued to do things to "feed the fire", as I called it.

So she asked me, for the sake of avoiding future disasters, to list things from an outside perspective that she should not have done. Being outside her particular circle of Hell, I had an objective view of things, and every time she did something questionable I could only shake my head. After warning her a few times, she just looked at me said "this isn't going to end well is it?" She wasn't seeing the forest she was making from the individual trees. Here's what I saw. Here are my "don'ts":

• He is still your friend, but be careful of shared recreational activities. especially ones where some type of physical contact might occur.

• Yes, he is your friend, but don't let him monopolize your time away from your other friends. Don't end up being at his beck and call.

• Be careful of what I call "domestic" situations. Driving to work together. Shopping together. And for goodness sakes, don't ever become his roommate! Now I know feelings may arise from being roommates with someone and seeing them all the time, but don't share an apartment with someone who already had those feelings.

• Make sure he never has access to any of your personal items such as cellphones, laptops, or diaries. Now if you hide it and he finds it that's a totally different issue. It's called spying.

• Don't go "over the top" when it comes to holidays or birthdays. Acknowledge it and keep it simple. Anything excessive will make him think he's more important to you than he actually is.

• I know life has tough situations sometimes, but don't always let him be "the hero". Don't let him pay for your lunch, or fill your car up with gas, or assist you in major times of trouble. He will turn that eventually into you being emotionally "indebted" to him no matter how you resist or pay him back. "After all that stuff I did for you...yada yada yada..."

So that's my list. Kerra is going to write a follow up piece to this over at her blog, which I will re-post here once it's done.

Relationship Controls

Since my dear friend Kerra is the guru of what not to do in a relationship over at The Levels of Awkwardness, some of us are not so inclined. Some of us need a button or a lever or a complex algorithm to figure people out. Kerra and I have agreed that people need a "relationship resume" (more on that later) that they should hand you upon meeting, but what if you could change things with the click of a mouse? Behold:

Just think if once you met someone you were linked in this giant database and you can increase or decrease your relationship after you meet them. Want to increase your friendship level? Click! Want to take things from the awkward zone to the dating zone? Bam! Want to break up with someone or lower their interest in you? Bazinga! Bad divorce? Delete contact. Done!

I mean you actually had to know someone before this would work. You couldn't scope out a hot chick and change your relationship to "dating" (unfortunately). The world would be complete chaos. Fun, yes, but chaotic. Discuss!

P.S. And do not forget to recommend this blog continues

Relationship Chart

So I've shared this graph with my good friend over at The Levels of Awkwardness. Now I think she's going to do her own version of this, as well as changing the graph some, but here's my take on it. First, check out all the zones:

Now my first thought was to try to figure out where I would put myself, then I realized that it's all subjective. Meaning, someone else has to be the the subject of placement, and it's where someone else thinks you fall. You can't do it for yourself.

• Zone of Pain - Basically you think someone is ugly and stupid. Not much you can do to escape this place.

• Friend and F-Buddy - These are opposite ends of the spectrum. You have too much of one and not enough of the other. If someone is your "friend" they think you're pretty intelligent, but not that attractive. They will help you with your computer. I'm thinking Big Bang Theory here. Otherwise, the "F-Buddy" is useful for their looks (arm candy), but talking to them might make you want to stab yourself in the eye with a spoon.

• Relationship Temptation - These are the extreme cases. You are either so smart or attractive to the point where someone would consider dating you, BUT they don't feel worthy enough to date you or ask you out. He's too smart for me. She's out of my league. Lots of infatuation here, which has the other person thinking "what's wrong with him/her?" He/she has never acted this way before...

• Awkwardness - Now these are the zones where you can mess up a good thing. You have a real good friend that gets a makeover and now they've moved up the attractiveness scale a little bit and you look at them differently. Or, maybe your buddy shows an insight into something that surprises you. One of them betters themselves in an area that they are lacking. You have always thought of them one way, but now they have maybe crossed a line. I think this is where most romantic comedies occur. It's possible to move into the dating zone, but things might end up disastrous and propel your relationship all the way back to the Zone of Pain. Beware.

• Dating - Here is an obvious area where the person has a good mix of intelligence and attractiveness. They are very date-able and dependable. A trial period where you see if your perceptions match up with reality.

• Marriage Potential - Someone that you have dated that the more you see them, the more they increase in both categories. You see their inner beauty and their soul. Make sure you see both.

• Null Set. This is where divorces occur. You have placed someone in a category in which they did not belong, or you emphasized one over the other and there's no balance. Usually you find this out way, way too late. Young people seem to do this a lot. They are so infatuated with one part that they miss the whole picture. It's either that, or if they have passed through the awkwardness stage, that a fear has been realized. He is too smart for you and you bore him. She was out of your league and you're not enough for her.

P.S. And do not forget to recommend this blog continues.