Dating Websites and Why I Don't Select You

Now this blog post evolved from a discussion I had with a friend about online dating. We shared some thought processes on what we look for in people's profiles and, as an aside, I started detailing things that immediately make me avoid certain profiles. She didn't know men (or at least I) felt that way about certain things and once they were explained it made a lot of sense to her, and hopefully, to you if you're out there looking.

Your Picture

Men are visual creatures. Everyone knows that, but what I'm going to say about profile pictures is probably not what you think. I prefer there to be at least more than one picture, and they should all show your face and hair style. I have seen too many that were cropped too tight and all you saw was face. To men, that screams one thing: you're fat, or at least you're trying to hide something. We should be able to interpolate an estimate of your body type. I am going to assume one thing if I see face only. And as you can see to the right there, it's kind of scary. Skip, on to the next one.  

I like to see at least from the neckline up. Cleavage is acceptable (duh), but if you're main picture is "hey, look at my tits" then you're only going to attract a certain type of person. If you show them to me in your profile it's just a short step to see them in person right? That's what I think. Or at least you will get a lot of requests for topless pics. Your fault for throwing them out there. If you keep it more modest (not a turtleneck!), once you're on an actual first date with someone of similar interests, you can "wow" him then. Trust me, it's a nice surprise when you meet someone and there's a whole lot more there physically than you thought.

Your picture should also not be a "glamour shot" of you at your very best, or of you making a fashion statement with a feathery hat or wild glasses. Being glamorous is fine, but I'm going to wonder what you look like normally and naturally day to day. And if I don't think you're all that attractive all gussied up, I will think you are even uglier in person. There's also a part of me that whispers "you cant afford to date this one" if you always wearing an evening gown. Pass. Wild fashion accessories might be cute for other women, but for me it just makes me think you are very flaky and possibly a handful with an overbearing personality. Pass again.

Your picture should be of only you. I love my kids too but I don't need to see them stuck to you in your profile. I don't want to see your dog or cat either. That all tells me you have other priorities and would have trouble fitting me in your schedule. You kissing on one of your girlfriends makes me think you are a party girl who really isn't interested in a relationship. Also, if your photo isn't from this century I won't be clicking on you either.

Your User Name

Okay I must admit that I am just flat turned off by some user names that women pick. I don't want you to tell me that you are "sexy". I want to determine that for myself. Same goes for "spicy", "tasty", "saucy", "hot", "amazing", "foxy" or "flirty". To me, that just screams that you have an attitude problem. I can see an argument ending with "Oh no he didn't! I'm sexy and I know it. He's just an asshole."

I will also avoid user names that include "bear" (fat), or some variation of "mother" (I will never be a priority). "Cuddly" implies emotionally needy. So if your handle is "cuddlybearmomof3" I will not only avoid clicking on you, I may even shut down my computer to get away.

Anyone whose name is a phrase like "Ucanthandleme", or "2much4u" is probably right. I see them as never being satisfied so why should I even try?

The Profile Itself

Now suppose I've made it to your profile which means your pics portray you as a normal attractive person and your user name didn't throw up any red flags. Sometimes I only make it one sentence in before I stop and move on. What did you do wrong? Well if I've come that far I want to know about YOU and the possibility that we could date and have a relationship. You destroy any precepts of that by saying...

Issue #1

Wrong: I have 2 kids and they are my life and universe, forever and always. They will always come first no matter what!

Reason: What it makes me think is you have no room for me in your life, and what little you could scrap together would never make me a priority. People a certain age and looking for companionship will most probably have kids. I have kids too. I love mine just as much as you do yours (maybe more) and will do anything for them as well. Everyone assumes parents love their kids. It's obvious, unnecessary and a little over the top to state it, let alone start your life summary with it. You shoving your children in my face tells me NOTHING about you (other than that you've reproduced), but it does suggest that you have very little free time to date. Now this may not be true, but you didn't present it that way.

Me: I have 2 kids from a previous marriage that I share custody with. When I'm not with them I like to...

Why it's better: I let you know I was previously married and have kids. Simple facts that you would want to know, then I tell you about ME. It also implies that I have time to actually date and have a relationship with someone.

Issue #2

Wrong: Must love dogs/cats!

Reason: Isn't this self explanatory? Really? I must? For that to even crop up in compatibility for dating shows that the other person has an unhealthy view of their pets. They are not people! What if I told you that I have two cats: Mr. Tabby Garfield Esquire III and Princess Fluffy Snowball Twinkletoes? You would think I was a complete nutjob with issues right? Or a closet homosexual...

Me: Grew up with animals so when my kids asked for a pet I got them each a kitten. One is sweet and one is psycho though.

Why it's better: I let you know I don't mind pets and even have a slight sense of humor about them and their personalities. I don't demand that you like them. I leave it open for you to tell me you have allergies, or Cujo flashbacks or whatever. But I certainly didn't rule out a date with you because they make you uneasy.

Issue #3

Wrong: I won't do this, and this, or that, or that either and definitely not that!

Reason: Ummm, I just started reading your profile and you proceeded to yell at me for the first three sentences. I don't really care if you have the missing half of the amulet I wear around my neck, I am certainly not reading any further. You sound angry and bitter. I know this is a reaction to certain people and messages from the website, but you can handle that discretely just by not replying and deleting and not making a public spectacle of it.

Me: I like to do this and this and some of that, but I'm not interested in any of x, y or z. Messages about x, y, or z will be ignored and deleted.

Why it's better: I still tell you about me and my likes. I make it quite clear what I don't care for and what the result will be if messaged about it. It makes me look like I have standards (shut up!) and some dignity.

Well that's it for now. This is an ever evolving project with many parts and I just wanted to get these thoughts down before it slipped away from me. Thanks for the read!