Moving Forward

2014 has been the loneliest year for me. There doesn't seem to be anyone around that I could remotely date. There is no one close to my age that's single, or even interested in me.

I don't understand how all these people can jump from relationship to relationship to relationship with little or no down time in between. If I hear that someone that I barely like broke up with their boyfriend, they are already dating someone by the next time I see them. I just don't get it. Yet when it comes to me, there is no one out there.

I realized today that not once, NOT ONCE in the five plus years I have been divorced could I have changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship with". Not once in over five years. That may be the saddest realization about my life ever.

And I've tried. I really have.

My latest "disaster" is someone who is so good for me it's off the charts. But...there's always a but isn't there...it suffered from the start from preconceived relationship expectations. I have written about this before. I was told plainly "if you ever tell me you love me I am outta here". So I didn't worry about it, I just enjoyed being with her.

She expected me to be one thing. I wasn't. I was so much more. And the dumbest part about the whole thing is that she cried over me several times apparently

The problem became that she cared about me. And I cared about her too...but didn't dare tell her. I mean everything I considered a fault or a reason to dump me, she thought was hot or manly. When it came down to it I didn't feel worthy of her affections. I know I'm an idiot and a fuck up.

And to prove that point, I didn't do enough to keep her around and she replaced me with another. I missed my window to say something. Oh she knows now, but it's way too late for me. My time has passed. I once wrote that I would play by the rules set out before me, but I would be the big loser and it happened just like I thought. I mean is there a chance for that to swing back in my direction in the future? Maybe. But maybe's are something I just can't count on anymore.

This is not intended as a pity piece. I now understand that I am just destined to be alone and I am trying to reconcile with that and try to figure out what to do going forward in 2015 and beyond. I just wanted to type these things out to get them off my chest. I am trying to organize the thoughts in my head a little so I can set out a plan of action moving forward. I still have my daughters to finish raising (okay, daddy will never stop being there for every step), but in just a few short years it will be just ME. And when that time arrives, I want to be ready for the "empty nest" syndrome.