Preconceived Relationship Outcomes

Parameters

I guess I have run up on the same thing a few times as relationships go. I've learned from the past not to label anything ahead of time because the simplest, most unsuspecting situations led me into one of the best relationships I ever had. If I had stopped it in its infancy I would have never known what was possible.

But then again, my problem has always been timing. I'm always the one right after a breakup or following a disastrous relationship. The thing I've run across often (and I know its from basic self defense from being hurt again) is that rules and limits and conditions are being placed upon me as I start a relationship with someone.

It's going to be A, B, and C but not D, E, or F.

G is not possible and we'll never end up X, Y or Z.

"Von, we're never going to be anything but friends" Well with that attitude, yeah, you're right. You've already limited what we could become.

Sometimes, you should just let things be.

Decreasing Limits

I have been through the wars too and have many battle scars of my own. If you put up walls and hit me with preconceived relationship outcomes, then I am going to shut my heart down. I have been hurt before too. Why waste emotions on someone that has already told me they wont be sending any emotions my way? That self defense goes both ways.

So in my head if I am only offered A, B and C, then that is all I am going to expect. D, E and F does not even become an option in my mind anymore.

The problems come when suddenly the other side feels D, E or F and I can't. I turned that off a long time ago because it was laid out to me that way and trying to be somewhat protective of myself I accepted those terms. And in the end, no matter what happens, I will look like the jerk or the bad guy. I have done nothing wrong, I played by their rules, but I will be the loser.

I can't win.

Increasing Limits

Now this particular scenario I have run into many times in my life. I meet someone and things are going great. We are just acting fun and free and having a blast with anything that comes our way. Nothing is wrong at all. Until...

Now the other person starts thinking too much and wants to change to definition of our relationship. And I don't mean like a relationship status change from "single" to "in a relationship". It's always like "I don't think we should do X, Y and Z anymore". Things are suddenly being taken away and whatever momentum we had is suddenly gone. There has been absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship to this point, but now the parameters have changed and it's not the same fun situation anymore. It's like instead of the relationship expanding and evolving, its contracting and devolving. That relationship is going to die. I have had more than one promising relationship destroyed because of this.

It's changing the butterfly back into the caterpillar.



No Limits

On the flip side (edge?) of that coin (and yes this is personal too) is that I have been told by someone that she knows she will end up with me. That it will be the whole alphabet, A through Z. I believe that she believes that too. The problem is (there's always a problem isn't there?) is that maybe I do not believe it. There's just no evidence there for me to judge anything on. I mean, so far there hasn't even been an "A", let alone the rest of the alphabet. And when I try, I am met with resistance. My heart is a little hopeful, but experience tells me it isn't going to happen.

I don't know what to make of this one.