Waiting for the Double Buzz

Something you may not know: the conductor, not the engineer controls the movement of the trains. The engineer can blow the whistle all he wants, but until he gets the "buzz, buzz" from the conductor on the back of the train, it goes nowhere.

Many times I'm all ready to move on to the next station... the time is right, green light ahead... but something behind me holds up my departure. Today I realized this is an accurate metaphor for most of my life.

I keep waiting for the next big thing, for something with meaning, for the next great adventure only to have it delayed...or put on hold indefinitely...or forgotten about...or just plain cancelled...or even worse finding out it really wasn't an option in the first place. Some things I knew were never going to happen, but I held on to them for way too long. Others never had a chance to develop. A few have even made me happy...for awhile. Reality is sometimes a painful realization of where you are, where you've always been, and where you're never going to go.

This is where I am now.

I turn 46 next month. I know I'll never get married again and part of that kills me. I won't have anyone to grow old with though I will have my friends. I will be the guy that everyone asks "how come you never re-married?" like it was that easy to do. I, unlike my selfish ex-spouse who was married again six months after our divorce, have put my life on hold for my two girls. They need me. My needs do not matter because they will always come first to me.

And seriously, I know I will not ever completely recover from my divorce. It has nothing to do with my ex (I learned her true character and there's nothing there I would want back), but it has everything to do with how it derailed my life and family. It was just so damaging, even though I try to play it off like I'm fine and past it.

Jim Croce said it best:

There's something in my eyes
You know it happens every time
I think about the love that I thought would save me

But isn't that the way they say it goes
Well let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So I can call just to tell 'em I'm fine, and to show
I've overcome the blow, I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

And to top it all off, where do I work but the "happiest place on earth". A magical kingdom full of princes and princesses, wishes and dreams coming true, true love and of course happy endings. I get reminded daily of what is never going to happen to me. Yay. And sometimes it's just way too much.

So where does all that leave me? Waiting for the next thing, but knowing what it isn't going to be. There may even be tunnels and crossings ahead. The track is laid out in front of me and I'll eventually move forward towards something that will probably leave me disappointed again. But for now, I'm sitting in the train station of life, waiting for the double buzz...