Grocery Store Rules of Etiquette

When I go grocery shopping, I know there are a lot of things that irritate me. So as I move through the store, I try to do the opposite. I don't want anyone to be able to complain about me. Here's some issues and how I handle them:

• Parking - My first issue is when I'm actually pulling into the parking lot. Sure there are people crossing to head to their cars. No problem there. It's the people that walk right down the middle of the lane so you cant go around them on either side. My solution is always immediately go to the side that my truck is on so no one is riding my ass all the way down (did that sound gay?). Another pet peeve is taking forever to pull out of the spot, even when their backing lights are on. What are you waiting on? Shouldn't you have checked everything before you put your car in reverse? Also, I don't really blame people for driving the wrong way in a lane. I blame the stores and their inconsistent one way versus two way configurations. Sometimes you have to look at the angle of the cars before you realize you got it wrong.

• Choosing Your Cart - As you approach the door, now you have to decide if you can get by with one of those hand baskets, or you're just going to be lazy and get a cart because hey, you might buy seven watermelons by accident. It all depends on how much wobble you are comfortable with. Cart selection is very dependent on what you're going to buy too. Buying a lot will weigh down the cart and eliminate 87% of the wobble (scientifically proven). Too much wobble and too little weight can be an annoying trip.

• Unattended Cart - Since we're still talking about carts, their are many times as you enter your first aisle or so that you find an unattended cart. Now does courtesy say you just go around? Or do you take it upon yourself to move it out of the way when it might belong to someone else? And here's another dilemma: what if in moving the cart you realize it's better than yours? Depending on the items involved can you do a quick switch? Part of me says they shouldn't have left it unsupervised so it's fair game. I think a 10-foot rule should be established, or at least be on the same row as your cart. And please, never let your kids push your cart unless they can control it/see over the top of it.

• The Busy Aisle Dilemma - Now this is one that seems to happen at WalMart to me a lot (and it's usually the bread aisle). The row is packed with people and carts. This is when I default to the rules of the road and stick to the right. Don't pass unless I have the room. This especially awkward when you stick you're on the right, but the item you want is on your left. So I don't block the entire row like some people, I hug to the back of my cart and zero in on what I want. When an opening appears I pounce quickly, grab it and return (no unattended cart for me thank you!). But Von, what if you want one thing that's at the far end of the aisle? Well use the row to the right or left of my intended aisle and do the wrap around without my cart, but observing the 10-foot rule.

• The Slow Shopper - When I shop I usually have a list, or I am going for very specific things. I'm in, got it, and out. Some people though, seem to loiter. The slow shopper isn't a problem when you can just go around them, but what if they're doing that cart on one side/item on the other side thing? I kind of pace myself behind them a bit like I'm comparing prices. Oh my that's a great deal on cumquats! Pickled pigs feet for that price? No way! When I feel I've given them plenty enough time (roughly 15 seconds) I will eventually excuse myself and move past them. I just hate walking through their line of vision.

• The Slow Payer - The slow payer is linked to the slow shopper, and there's not much you can do about it because you've already committed to a lane. You're stuck behind them but you don't know until they go through three or four credit cards, neither of which they know the PIN for. I start piling my stuff up there quickly to try and send them a friendly "hurry the Hell up" silent nudge. Remember this story?

• Returning Your Cart Algorithm - Now that I'm paid and done I have a decision or two to make. Is this few enough bags where I can leave the cart at the door and carry them to my truck? If I can and I had a good cart, I will try to pass it off to someone coming into the store. I'll even encourage them like "hey buddy, this one's a keeper". Other times it's too much so I push it all the way to my truck. After unloading is the next question of where do I leave the cart. How close did I park to one of the corrals? If there is a cart already sitting alone by my truck well it needs a partner. Someone else started this trend, I'm just a mindless sheep.

• Avoiding the Girl Scouts/Salvation Army/booster clubs - Now you saw these guys when you went into the store and if you're like me you immediately started planning your exit strategy. My easiest and most true reply is "I don't carry cash". The "fake phone call" also comes in handy. Other times I just avoid eye contact, say "no habla Ingles" and get the Hell out of there. I have found that "I hate your team" only causes problems. Best not to try that one.

P.S. And do not forget to recommend this blog continues.