Feeding the Fire

I have this friend, and for now we'll just call her "Kerra", who had an unpleasant experience with a suitor who basically crossed the line into the psycho/stalker domain. We were having a conversation about it, and she said she knows I warned her about it several times, but continued to do things that I considered "red flags". This was even after they had a long talk about things and everything was sorted out. Just platonic, only friends, etc. Well it was obvious to everyone that he had it bad for her and no "talk" was going to quench that thirst. Especially when she wouldn't cut him off cold turkey and continued to do things to "feed the fire", as I called it.

So she asked me, for the sake of avoiding future disasters, to list things from an outside perspective that she should not have done. Being outside her particular circle of Hell, I had an objective view of things, and every time she did something questionable I could only shake my head. After warning her a few times, she just looked at me said "this isn't going to end well is it?" She wasn't seeing the forest she was making from the individual trees. Here's what I saw. Here are my "don'ts":

• He is still your friend, but be careful of shared recreational activities. especially ones where some type of physical contact might occur.

• Yes, he is your friend, but don't let him monopolize your time away from your other friends. Don't end up being at his beck and call.

• Be careful of what I call "domestic" situations. Driving to work together. Shopping together. And for goodness sakes, don't ever become his roommate! Now I know feelings may arise from being roommates with someone and seeing them all the time, but don't share an apartment with someone who already had those feelings.

• Make sure he never has access to any of your personal items such as cellphones, laptops, or diaries. Now if you hide it and he finds it that's a totally different issue. It's called spying.

• Don't go "over the top" when it comes to holidays or birthdays. Acknowledge it and keep it simple. Anything excessive will make him think he's more important to you than he actually is.

• I know life has tough situations sometimes, but don't always let him be "the hero". Don't let him pay for your lunch, or fill your car up with gas, or assist you in major times of trouble. He will turn that eventually into you being emotionally "indebted" to him no matter how you resist or pay him back. "After all that stuff I did for you...yada yada yada..."

So that's my list. Kerra is going to write a follow up piece to this over at her blog, which I will re-post here once it's done.