What happened to peeing in a cup?

So let's just say in my recent quest to find another job (you know, before I win my case with the mouse), that I got called in for an interview. Typical HR stuff, paperwork and whatnot. You know the drill. So when I'm done with all that, they inform me that I can actually do my drug test on site. I figured what the hey I'm already here, might as well.

Let me also say that as I first came into the HR building, that it had started pouring down rain. Halfway through the process I had to pee. Bad. Now connect that with the first paragraph and I'm thinking in my head "Yay, no performance issues! I'm going to top off the top of that cup like a frosty beer!"

So I head into the office and there are three people waiting already. The lady is giving us forms and stuff and then mentions that she's going to take care of us all at once. Now at this point I'm confused. Are we doing the trough method (guys know what I'm talking about), or are we doing some kind of non-private peeing as a form of checks and balances?

Nope, all they do here is swab your cheeks. My bladder was like Kirk in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn yelling "Nooooooooo!!!!". Animals ran in panic, birds flew crazily, kids cried...

Now I'm thinking like CSI or Dexter. Q-tip thingy, swab inside my mouth, label it, bag it, done. Wrong again Von! She hands me this package which contains basically two pregnancy tests, but instead of a +/- section, it had a soft cotton area. Now I'm supposed to put both of these inside my mouth at the same time, with the cotton part against my lower gums (think like holding a toothbrush), one on each side. FOR TEN MINUTES.

She set the timer and put on some music. The drool started in like minute two. I don't know if it was the soft jazz or the incandescent lights, but thank the gods I have a goatee. It acted like a sponge at first, but I noticed my mouth was slowly filling up. I started using my tongue like a crane, taking big scoops from Lake Saliva and flinging it toward the back of my mouth. It was a battle between my spit glands and the clock. And I still hadn't peed yet!

Okay, you ever have one of those moments when you are doing something and feel like a complete idiot, but there are other people doing it too so you don't feel as bad? It's usually at that moment my mind starts playing tricks on me. Did I hear the directions correctly? Did I put them in my mouth right? OMG am I the only one still doing this? I'm sitting on the end of the row so I try to crick my neck and nonchalantly look at the others. Yep, we all look like morons. Crisis averted. I'm also starting to wonder what I'm going to name the baby if it comes back positive.

Time was finally up and she started collecting the samples and guess who was last? Yeppers. Me. But at least I got the experience of watching the others fumble with the things and bags and stuff. So by time she got to me I knew exactly what to do in a smooth and debonair way. Because you can tell from all of this, I'm the cool one.

Oh, and I got the job. I just hope the baby doesn't interfere with my work schedule.